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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.